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The types of women you'll date in Auckland
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Browse Auckland Females. Unfortunately, too much charlie will render her impotent for the night. You'll go home deeply unsatisfied and smelling of the Hugo Boss fragrance her mum bought her for her birthday last year. These girls are pretty much like the Howick lot but still living at home because Mum and Dad are wealthy enough for them to sponge off for eternity.
If they do live away from home, it's likely to be in a scungy flat with at least three damp brown couches lurking outside.
Auckland Marathon
They'll only ever message you on Snapchat or Instagram, and they're still really close mates with all their high school crushes - all of whom they've banged, and one of whom they will eventually end up marrying. Before they're locked down into suburban bliss which they believe they have to be before they're 30 they'll be on a slutty bender of fuckgirl freedom, and great at palming you off with smooth excuses. Always cheersing the phone screen when they have a beer, you can find them en masse down at the Elephant Wrestler watching the UFC.
Despite not really knowing what's going on, they will have loud opinions about it. These girls will definitely bum a Dunny Blue from a bystander outside, before going to shoot a panorama Insta story of Taka beach. You'll know you're in a convo with a Coastie when they start telling you about all the mean burnouts they've done. Then the chat will turn into a really deep yarn about the best mate who died at the wheel when they were Yeah, that's a bit on the nose. But Coast girls don't seem to learn from their mates' mistakes so I have no problem bringing it up again.
These girls smoke a metric fucktonne of weed, and they're so deeply obsessed with motorbikes and fishing that I have no idea how they ever get lucky with a guy. They likely haven't washed their hair with actual shampoo in months, but they still have time to send snaps of their weekend benders, which include vids of themselves swigging and borderline violating guys - which is disgusting and you need to stop it immediately. They organise massive weekend-long benders at their mum's house while she's away because they can't afford the Uber into town and back. These girls also grunt an awful lot.
God only knows what that means.
Meetups near North Shore | Meetup
If you've ever dated a Westie, you know she's covered in regrettable tattoos and most likely drives either a rotary, or a "vintage" Holden from that she sinks all her spare cash into. She's got three kids to three different dads, and disguises the onset of middle-age with a series of flat peak caps that fool no one.
Her most intense emotional output has been at one of those glass outdoor tables from Bunnings, while skulling two Codys at once. Having said this, some of the guys were adamant they'd dated some absolute sweethearts from West Auckland: "I've dated a couple of the sweetest, kindest women who are Westies. Bogans who have Valiant Chargers, who got their old skate gang back together in their 30s and only listen to rare metal and stoner rock on vinyl. Beautiful expensive Japanese sleeve tattoos. Good cooks who drink expensive whisky and sensitive souls who are open with their emotions.
Would build your kid a tree-hut and fix your car. It's fair to say I love a Westie. We have ALL dated these munters. And made ourselves believe they were cute and real and awesome. Until we realised they're not all that. By the way, if you get to this part of the yarn, I want to shout out to all those unicorn mofos out there - you do exist, and you do great things and make sweet unicorn babies with the unicorn dudes.
Yeah, I'm not here for the karma. I was going to rewrite the whole thing but I thought it makes it seem way more fucked if you just read it verbatim except the personal pronouns changed. Personally I think it's more shocking satire to just reverse the personal pronouns. If you want to write a funny version, feel free. I would enjoy that.
Novelist Margaret Atwood writes that when she asked a male friend why men feel threatened by women, he answered, "They are afraid women will laugh at them. It's not just that women will laugh at them, it's that she might be a blogger who rejects them and then writes online how she thought they were a creep. The story gets picked up by feminist bloggers, and then by anti-feminist bloggers who use it as an example of what is wrong with the feminists, until eventually three or four large subcultures are debating it simultaneously. It snowballs until it gets its own its own Wikipedia entry and then a competing Conservapedia entry explaining exactly what was wrong with the Wikipedia entry and which incidentally is longer than Conservapedia's article on God meaning that the failed attempt to ask this one woman out is literally a bigger deal than the all-powerful creator of the Universe.
It is welcomed into the realm of Official Scandals by being granted its own -gate suffix, and a Google search for it turns up results, including the biography of the girl who was asked, the twitter hashtag relating to the rejection, and the one year retrospective. Hundreds of rape threats ensue. Richard Dawkins takes a break from being one of the world's leading public intellectuals to get involved.
And if Conservapedia is to be believed sic , it apparently leads directly to the decline of atheism and the explosive growth of global Christianity. Use of this site constitutes acceptance of our User Agreement and Privacy Policy.
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